Red and White — A Love Story
Red and White met in a Keith Haring painting in 1981 when Black introduced them. They realized they had the Swiss flag in common, and Red was like, call me, and White was like, I don’t call, I return. So Red called, and White returned, and that is how the barber pole spiraled…
Thing was, some people wanted to tell Red and White where they could live and where they couldn’t. They said that Red belonged with other Reds, and White belonged with other Whites, and that co-habitating anyplace other than the American flag was against the law and offended most palettes.
Red and White released a statement that said, in effect, “Whatevs.” They articulated their position: “We love living on the American flag, and we’ll always have a home there. But does Elton stay put in his Dorchester flat? No! He’s probably in the Maldives right now, recording his next album! Does Madge confine herself to her castle in Surrey? Not bloody likely.”
Nobody puts Baby in a corner, and nobody told Red and White where they could co-habitate. Stripes on a flag? Obviously, a must-have for any American. Fine, too, if you’re Swiss and White is recognized as an equal partner. But flags are not their only home, and national anthems not their only numbers.
“There’s more than one way for a couple of colors to boogie,” explains Red. Red and White do not put limits on their relationship, and they say it’s a big reason their relationship works.
“How about polka dots on shoes or swirl patterns on hot air balloons?” asks White. “And what about about Pink? She’s our girl. We made her career.”
Today, they pop up at society and fashion-forward events all over the world. They were seen recently partying in the women’s hats in Princess Eugenie’s box at Ascot, and around that same time, in the shrimp cocktail in Justin Bieber’s dressing room in Montreal. They have been spotted living together in Richard Branson’s shorts, Wes Anderson’s pajama tops, Beyonce’s jewelry, and Bill Murray’s eyeballs after a night out in Berlin. Seriously, can anything surprise us any more when it comes to these two?
This isn’t to say it’s all been nights in white satin, and red roses, too. They have by pricked by their share of thorns, and there’s been blood on the bathroom porcelain. That’s Red and White, as it’s true of any relationship that’s going to last. There will be blood, and flags of surrender, too.
They broke up once in the ’90s when Red partied on Mick Jagger’s velvet hat and White was not invited, but then they reunited that same week when they showed up in the Stratocaster Keith Richards played on Sympathy for the Devil at Copacabana Beach in Rio. They were on the cover of People Magazine that week with the Stones. Google it. Seriously.
During one of their experimental phases, they went by the names of Vanilla and Strawberry, and lived in a ménage a trois with Chocolate (nee Brown) in Neapolitan ice cream. It was all just peachy until Strawberry got jealous of Chocolate’s relationship with Vanilla. “That was bad,” remembers Red/Strawberry. “ I was frozen. I could not feel a thing.”
“These things happen when you’re in love,” said White/Vanilla at the time. “Colors clash. It is what it is. Do your thing. Just give me my space to do mine.”
Today, Red says, “We are both open to relationships with other colors — well maybe not with Purple, that would be tough — but ultimately, and no matter what, it is our love for one another that defines us.”
Adds White: “What would the world be without Red and White? What would Target do for advertising? What would the Indiana University basketball team wear for warm-up pants? Who wants a beardless naked old man climbing down their chimney at Christmas?”
After a while, politicians were the only ones still interested in telling to tell Red and White how to live their lives. And then even the politicians gave up when they realized, at last, how small-minded they were to think that Red and White, or any two colors, for that matter, had to be laid out in any certain way, on any certain fabric. Everyone finally saw what Red and White had been trying to show us all along, which is that there is no limitation on love.
A law was passed that said, “Red and White can live howsoever they choose for as long as they can Prove their Love.” And everyone signed it except for Purple, who abstained, and Oprah, who owed a favor to Purple for introducing her to Spielberg back in the day.
Red and White celebrated their newfound freedom in 2013 by attending the Academy Awards, where Red was the carpet, and White was Anne Hathaway’s light.
After that fantastic night, they lived vividly ever after. Until today anyway. They Prove their Love one day at a time.
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